I need to rant. As if I haven't done that enough to my friends 'til their ears are bleeding... But I write these over and over again in my head, so I need to put it down on, black on white, in some form.
I wish I knew what's wrong. Why I feel like crying, why I am crying or why having someone to hug me suddenly means so fucking lot... Is it because my best friend might be gone for a year? 'Cause of stress over school and future work? Or since my mind feels like it'll implode, by fragments of ideas and stories and characters that never can take flight?
Am I still affected by the car accident? Or is it just my hormones again?
I wish I fucking knew. Sure, I can't do a shit against any of those things, except getting pills for the hormones, but still... It would be nice to know.
Nice to know why I fall together now, why it's so fucking hard to breathe. I'm sorry for all my complains, for my ranting, for my weakness I'm trying to get rid of. Everything is just building up, and I feel horrible about it. I feel bad for feeling bad, creating this horrible circle I can't break.
"Love yourself," I tell everyone. But I am a fucking hypocrite, I don't love myself. I love my body, sure, and I sometimes can think that I look quite good. But I hate my personality. I hate my loudness, my need, my hypocrisy and that I can't do jackshit for my friends.
Whom I know have really bad times too. So sorry. Even though I know very, very well that that words doesn't change a shit.
Maybe I just should see a doctor or something... But I'd worry my parents too much then. Fuck it. Just fuck it and I'll try and push through again. Maybe I'll make it this time. Maybe I'll break for real this time.
I just want to know WHICH!